Reflections

Two weeks in America

2010-11-01T12:21:00.002+11:00

We’ve met the in laws, had a fabulous wedding, Rachel (the groom’s sister not his bride) collapsed during the ceremony with what appeared to be a seizure (we think it’s migraine but will have her tested again), went to an Amish county that looked just like it was a film set, we’ve done Disneyland in four long, well-planned days, put a big done stamp on the Grand Tour of Los Angeles, shopped until the credit cards shed blood and spotted a few (very few) celebs (Kylie Minogue near the fountain at the Farmers’ Markets, Robin Williams (at the first class lounge at LAX) and that doctor from Celebrity Rehab filming with a rent-a-crowd in Los Angeles outside of Barnes and Noble).

We heard the Disney band play the Star Spangled Banner and watched as retired military men saluted their flag and the rest of the park’s guests stood with their hands on their hearts – but most didn’t seem to know the words beyond the first verse.

We learned to order one entree (main) and eat it between three of us. We learned to keep right (while walking, as well as driving). We noted how neat everything is – few weeds, well tended gardens in service (gas) stations, little or no graffiti in Cleveland or Los Angeles and heaven forbid that it would be permitted in Anaheim or Orange County.

Venice Beach seemed grungy with shops advertising ecstasy cigarettes, a tattooed lady walking around with a boa constrictor and lots of people seemingly affected by alcohol or drugs and lots of homeless people including children but Marina del Rey was beautiful with seals in the water and pelicans on the boardwalk.

A word that keeps coming to mind in America is abundance. Our American cousins seem to have abundant opinions, food choices and serving sizes, toilet cisterns that flush GALLONS of water automatically, freeways, car parks (parking lots), morbidly obese people, empty footpaths (sidewalks), cheap clothes of good quality, shopping malls and - regulations.

I’m sure we each committed a Federal offence at least once a day. It’s an offence for a person under the legal drinking age to touch a vessel (cup, glass, can or bottle) that has held alcohol - let alone to pour Dad a glass of wine or get him a stubby from the fridge.

America has abundantly beautiful forests, lakes, blue skies (in Ohio at least), neat suburbs and streets. It is colourful, vibrant with a spark that only the presence of 310 million people in a country can bring. Many Americans appear to be bewildered as to what’s gone wrong and why the country is economically depressed. Obama it seems has little hope of re-election.

The terrorist alert went up while we were there – there seemed to be credible threat that an attack would or could take place on most of the days we were in the US. Security was increased at LAX and CLE. Everyone is used to the airport strip – shoes, belts, jackets, coats, laptops, anything in pockets, anything metal, anything in liquid, gel or aerosol form. Terrorism is real to ordinary people and they mention it casually in conversation.

There are rows of neat houses with pretty gardens that are empty, or houses that have been on the market for months (years) that can’t sell at 40 and 50 per cent discounts in price. There are buildings with boarded up windows in what seems like whole suburbs.

There are well qualified, educated people on the long-term unemployment list. There are people working second jobs earning $4 an hour, which we were told is below the minimum wage. It’s normal for people to work their vacations in a second job – even professionals turn to manual labour in summer holidays.

Yet at the same time there are streets and streets of the most expensive stores with the most expensive stuff in Los Angeles. We were awed in Harry Winstons, we ogled a $1.8million Bugatti that was one Hollywood celeb’s second car (we’d never heard of him and I can’t remember his name). I was amazed at how polished women looked in Hollywood regardless of age. Hair, nails, skin, teeth, shoes, bags – everything was immaculate.

I found (after four days at Disneyland) that I could tell – before they said a word - who were the Americans and which people were from somewhere else in the world. I spent some time trying to work out how I could tell.

Some things were easy. The black people were wearing “cast members’ uniforms” (there were some black families as “guests” during the week but they were mainly from England and most of the black families who attended came on Saturday).

Hispanic people came all through the week and weekend and there were lots of them but they walked just like the other Americans. People of Spanish or Portuguese background from Europe walked like Europeans – don’t ask me what the difference is, I can’t say for sure.

Americans tend to have straight shoulders and they stand closer together than Australians or New Zealanders. We noticed at the wedding ceremony the chairs felt close together and the best man kept asking his non-Australian groomsmen to stand further apart and allow more room for him and the only other Australian [apart from the groom] in the party.

Americans walk where they want and don’t give way (or at least not to us). We found it difficult to navigate streams of people traffic and kept having to wait for long periods or barge and apologise. They didn’t appear to barge into each other except for some pram brangles when the two mothers would apologise to each other profusely on collision.

Americans are verbally very polite and much of the conversation is taken up with please, thank you, pardon me, you’re welcome, have a nice day or a great weekend. They are happy to instruct people on how things are done – from what dusk means and how it falls, to how to get a aeroplane seat into an upright position (the issue was a sleeping child). We were asked several times if we liked living in Australia.

I was asked to get a chocolate stain out of a flower girl’s dress at the wedding and used soda water to remove the mark. The poppet – who must have been all of 10 – said “that’s not how we get stains out in America. We use soap and water”. Her sister, another poppet, recited to me – it seemed at the time verbatim – the entire script of the last series of Bindi The Jungle Girl. Bindi Irwin is a hit in America. Crikey.

We met people who hadn’t been out of the country and others who hadn’t been out of the continent (they’ve been to Canada or Mexico). One person said they couldn’t understand why anyone would want to live in Australia given the limited choices we have in things and how expensive it all seems. I thought afterwards of at least 16 things I could have said.

“O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?” It seems it does ma’am, you have a nice day.

How To Train Your Dragon

2010-04-14T23:34:00.002+10:00

AN entertaining film with several moral tales. A young Viking boy is different, he isn't good at killing, he thinks differently to his peers and likes to read. He and his father have poor communication. For his Viking warrior father, the son is a failure and he's ashamed of him. The boy, Hiccup, cannot make his father understand what his concerns are - they have no common ground and the boy's mother is dead.
The Vikings slay dragons, which steal their herds and food. The dragons, meanwhile, are trying to assuage a hungry, mighty dragon that lives inside the dragons' island. The fighting between dragons and Vikings has been going on for 300 years.
Hiccup learns to train dragons by working with a dragon that has a misformed tail fin. He makes a prosthetic tail fin for the dragon and learns to ride him. Through learning to work with the dragon he learns how to tame other dragons and shows his peers in dragon-fighting school. He teaches them all to fly dragons.
When Hiccup's father discovers that his son's dragon, Toothless, knows the location of the dragons' island, he chains him and forces him to head for the island. The inevitable showdown (high noon at OK Corral) takes place. The dragons all fly away when the Vikings come but they Vikings have unwittingly set free the monster dragon that has been keeping the others enslaved. Only Hiccup and his peers with their flying dragons can save the day. They do but at the cost of Hiccup's foot. He too then has a prosthetic appliance attached to his leg.

Just because something has been done one way for 300 years doesn't make it right.
Even with a disability, a boy or a dragon can save the day.
Being able to see things differently can be a real help - even when it isn't popular.
A parent can learn from a child.
The enemy that you've been fighting for centuries may truly be your ally.
Defeating the enemy that you see may unleash the enemy that you cannot.
Having a "deal" where you impose your will on another is no deal at all.
Communicating isn't just about talking and talking more loudly or with accompanying loud noises doesn't make it communication.

All this - and more - from a film for children. Plus it's fun and the animation is awesome.

The not so great unwashed

2010-04-14T22:37:00.003+10:00

THAT resolution didn't take long to break. Just last week I decided to write every day and here I am three days late blogging about three days of readings. Sigh. My road to godliness remains bumpy.
SOAP readings from Northside Community Church
James 3 13-18, James 4 1-10 and James 4 11-17
James 3 13 - 18 Two kinds of wisdom
"The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace‑loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." Now that's something to work toward.
James 4 1-10 Submit yourselves to God
"You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." Where's my hair shirt?
James 4 11-17 Boasting about tomorrow
"You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." Life is short, eternity long.

Lifejournal Reading Plan Youversion
1 Samuel 13, 1 Chronicles 2, 1 Chronicles 3, 2 Corinthians 12

1 Samuel 13
Continuing with the swords and sandals epic tales of the clashes of the Israelites and the Philistines one things stands out "Jehovah hath sought him a man after his own heart". Now allowing for the language of the times, if I think that God is seeking a person after God's own heart, then that is a message that is loud and clear.

1 Chronicles 2 and 1 Chronicles 3 is more begetting and I'll leave those passages to those that understand their purpose because I do not.

2 Corinthians 12
"I take pleasure in weaknesses, in injuries, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." All I can say, is thank God for that because it's abundantly clear that I am weak.

1 Samuel 14, 1 Chronicles 14, 2 Corinthians 13
1 Samuel 14
More swords and sandals. The only message I understand is that it is important to follow the word of the Lord.

1 Chronicles 14
David was a mighty king and favoured by God.

2 Corinthians 13
"For we also are weak in him, but we shall live with him through the power of God toward you." Nice.
"Be perfected; be comforted; be of the same mind; live in peace: and the God of love and peace shall be with you." Definitely a goal to strive for.
"The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit, be with you all." Thanks be to God, in Jesus' name we pray.

1 Samuel 15, 1 Samuel 16, 1 Chronicles 5, Matthew 1

1 Samuel 15
"To obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams. 23 For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as idolatry and teraphim (following household gods)." Sadly, I'm a rebel without a pause (never mind a cause) and following instructions has never been my strong point. More to do.

1 Samuel 16
"David took the harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed". David was favoured by God. As the youngest son he tended the sheep yet God made him mighty king. He was also musical and his music soothed Saul who was troubled by an evil spirit sent by God. What I take from that is that if I follow God and the will of God then I may be refreshed in spirit.

1 Chronicles 5
More fighting and loss of lands if the generations go against God's word.

Matthew 1
New Testament begats - 14 generations three times over between David and Jesus. It must have been a comfort to the early Christians. Also it fulfilled the prophecies.

Liberal application of SOAP

2010-04-11T21:53:00.002+10:00

Scripture, Observation, Application, Prayer (SOAP) is a recipe for reflection and learning. A liberal application of SOAP won't make me clean but it may help me to live next to God (as in cleanliness is next to Godliness), which is probably a good albeit challenging thing.

The SOAP readings from Northside Community Church for today are James 3 1-12 and this is called Taming the Tongue - "All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, 8 but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing."

Enough said, I really do think these readings are directed at me personally. In late October a counsellor suggested to me that I try and go one day (just one) without saying something negative, in an injurious tone or in a sarcastic way. Sadly, although I have tried every day, and been conscious of this goal every day, I haven't managed to stay positive in every word I utter for a single day in five months. Sigh.

Life Journal Reading Plan 1 Samuel 11-12, 1 Chronicles 11, 2 Corinthians 12
I struggle with much of the Old Testament, it truly is about thunder, fire and sword and while I enjoy sword and sandals as much as the next person - especially when starring Russell Crowe, Brad Pitt and Eric Bana - I find it difficult to see what all this smiting is telling me except for this "Only fear Jehovah, and serve him in truth with all your heart; for consider how great things he hath done for you." That at least is a message that I understand and can follow.

I don't trouble to try and understand the begats and the begetters in Chronicles, it is beyond me. I don't understand why I need to know the family trees of men who lived thousands of years ago.

"But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve in his craftiness, your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity and the purity that is toward Christ." Paul isn't my favourite writer but this is clear enough.

Nanny McPhee and The Big Bang

2010-04-10T18:44:00.003+10:00

A YOUNG friend joined us today. Lucien is a very mature six year old who can run very fast, read well, keep up with fast moving action in films and loves our daughter Rachel, who's twice his age. In honour of him visiting us we went to see Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang, a film set in wartime England with four children (two rich in material goods but lacking parental love and supervision and two poor in material goods but rich in family bonds) who receive the services of Nanny McPhee. Nanny works on the basis that when you need her but don't want her, she must stay but when you want her but don't need her she must leave.

The children rich in family love live on a farm with their mother while their father is away fighting in the war. They have to make sacrifices to ensure they keep the farm. Nanny teaches the children not to fight, to share, the co-operate, to show bravery, to be persistent and to make the leaps of faith necessary in life so that hope is not lost.

It's done very well complete with piglets who can fly, climb trees and are good at synchronised swimming. It was a delightful film and the children and I enjoyed it. Laughing, crying, being startled and sitting on the edge of our seats (literally in Lucien's case) as the action continued and the story progressed.

Similarly, the stories in 1 Samuel 8-10 are big picture stories with fast moving action, war and pestilence, goodies and baddies and God who demands that the right way be followed. If you do things God's way then you get the rewards, but woe betide you if you don't. I mean no disrespect in drawing parallels with Nanny McPhee but it does seem to be My Way or the highway with the Old Testament God and Nanny McPhee.

The message for me in 2 Corinthians 10 is twofold
"For we are not bold to number or compare ourselves with certain of them that commend themselves: but they themselves, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves with themselves, are without understanding" and "he that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord. 18 For not he that commendeth himself is approved, but whom the Lord commendeth."

The SOAP (Scripture, Observation, Application, Prayer) readings for today from Northside Community Church are James 2 14-26
The telling message in this is that deeds without faith is useless as is faith without deeds. "As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead." Faith is the part of the transaction with which I struggle - "I believe Lord, help Thou my unbelief".

Today's readings

2010-04-09T08:34:00.005+10:00

SOAP (Scripture, Observation, Application, Prayer) readings from Northside Community Church
James 2 1-13
I'm finding that the readings that have been chosen (randomly? through divine intervention?, coincidentally?) speak to me of the things that I need to hear. This reading is about not favouring those who rich in material things over those who are poor in material things but about treating all equally. It's also about not judging others (You talking to me God?) for one sin while we are busy doing another. It also has a strong message about mercy "For judgement is without mercy to him that hath showed no mercy: mercy glorieth against judgement".

Life Journal Reading Plan
1 Samuel 3-5, Psalm 77, 2 Corinthians 8
Samuel is beyond me today, I will have to reread it to have any idea what it means except that it is important to do the will of God and not allow others for whom you are responsible to say or do anything against God.

The Psalms are always a comfort and I love today's - it speaks to me directly.
"I will cry unto God with my voice, 2 In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: 3 I remember God, and am disquieted:

4 Thou holdest mine eyes watching: 5 I have considered the days of old, 6 I call to remembrance my song in the night: 7 Will the Lord cast off for ever? 8 Is his loving kindness clean gone for ever? 9 Hath God forgotten to be gracious?

10 And I said, This is my infirmity; 11 I will make mention of the deeds of Jehovah; 12 I will meditate also upon all thy work, 13 Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: 14 Thou art the God that doest wonders: 15 Thou hast with thine arm redeemed thy people,

16 The waters saw thee, O God; 17 The clouds poured out water; 18 The voice of thy thunder was in the whirlwind; 19 Thy way was in the sea,20 Thou leddest thy people like a flock,"

I'm not a big fan of Paul's but I enjoyed reading this passage. The strongest message for me today was "For ye know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, that ye through his poverty might become rich."

There is no doubt that I've experienced great poverty of the spirit and it's about time that I spent as much time on my spiritual life as I do on the physical, intellectual and emotional. Thanks for being with me today.

Born again and Bible readings

2010-04-09T07:47:00.004+10:00

IN late October last year, I went through an experience that rocked my world, that left me depressed, thinking suicidal and homicidal thoughts and questioning my life and existence. It doesn't matter what the incident was, what matters is that I started a journey of exploration.

I did the usual: I reached out to family and friends who supported me through the worst. I saw professionals including counsellors, doctors and beauty therapists who attended to the physical and emotional symptoms that I was experiencing as a result of the events I'd been through.

I'd gone some way but was stuck and couldn't move on. Christmas and New Year were tough. I had already abandoned much of my busy life - study, extra work, voluntary commitments - through my sheer inability to cope with anything other than going to work and getting by.

I'd been attending a church with my son and had been enjoying the experience. They had good music, a friendly crowd and interesting preachers.

Then on January 31, 2010 I went to church and Sam Haddon, the associate pastor at the Northside Community Church in Crows Nest preached a sermon on forgiveness and my world rocked on its foundations (again) and I started crying, shaking with the tears, with dribble running down my face and my nose going red (I could feel it).

My husband says that it was divine intervention. I don't make such claims, I just know that at that moment as I sat there listening to Sam I broke through a barrier that had been in my heart for a long time.

And so the journey begins . . .

Since then, I've attended a 10 session course called Search for Life , which I found helpful and now that it's finished I've started a Bible reading program through my iPhone and I'm working through the SOAP (scripture, observation, application and prayer) readings listed each week in Northside's newsletter.

A word or thee on Bibles

I have always had the Jerusalem Bible but it's so old (and in the past, so infrequently used) that it's full of dust mites that every time I open it I get an attack of the sneezes. As I was brought up a Catholic, I'd used the Authorised Knox in the past. Faced with a sneeze-causing Bible and the desire to read the Bible daily, I ventured into Borders but didn't care for their offerings at the prices I could afford and ended getting a King James version for $AUD15.95 at the newsagent.

Additionally, I downloaded a free Bible from the iTunes store and it is the American Standard.

People who know about these things tell me the New International version is best. My son says a bad Bible is better than no Bible and on this we agree.

What's next . . .

Armed with my Bibles (print and virtual) and Northside's SOAP readings and YouVersion's Life Journal reading plan I started reading the Bible daily. I don't pretend to be a Bible scholar, I don't pretend that I understand what's going on or that I have any great insight into God's word. What I have is a thirst and I'm going to the well. I pray for faith. I thought I'd share my journey with you and that's what the plan is for the next year.

Bloggers' block

2009-03-26T23:15:00.002+11:00

You wouldn't think that opinionated people would face the old writer's block but they do just the same as anyone else. It's made more difficult when you have a number of blogs to keep uptodate. Someone said to me the other day, when everyone has a voice, no one listens. Deep but probably true.

If you're a blogger like me, then you will face bloggers' block at times. Click the link for 10 great ideas on how to deal with it, they work.

Twittermoms

2009-03-25T13:38:00.003+11:00

I joined Twitter and soon discovered Twittermoms and apart from the slightly-annoying American spelling it is one of the best groups I've joined. You know how you join groups and wonder what they're called because while you joined because it seemed like a good idea at the time but you've never been back?

Well, Twittermoms isn't like that. Every time I go to the site I learn something about blogging, vlogging, internet radio, search engine marketing, search engine optimisation, self publishing, web surveys or some other web-related subject, plus I get a celebrity fix and get to laugh (kindly) at some antics of other mothers who are going through the same dilemnas as I. We work from home, juggle family and finances and are trying to keep up to date with the net and the whole marketing of our businesses.

If you want to see what it's all about go to Twittermoms

Kids with disabilities

2009-03-12T09:59:00.002+11:00

I know that most of you are from the States but in Australia we also have a long way to go to reach full inclusion of children with a disability. I'm so glad to see organisations like CVS working so show that "all kids can" as this is something in which I truly believe.

I became interested in children with a disability when my son was diagnosed with ADD, learning disabilities and that he had brain patterns that showed he may have epilepsy. As you do, I did everything I could as a mother to support him and get him through school. His story has a happy ending as he is now a graphic artist at a major metropolitan newspaper in Sydney (two years now) and is well liked, treated with respect and valued for his skills.

As any mother of a child with ADD or ADHD knows, this isn't always the case in school. I wrote about it for The Daily Telegraph and the you can find it here

Through my son, I became involved in the development of the Disability Discrimination Act 1992 , which is based on the Americans with Disabilities Act.

I was glad that I could do "something" as mostly as a parent you feel helpless. You feel you should be able to "make them better" but disability isn't something you can always "fix". What we can do is "fix" society and the systems and supports so that children with disabilities grow up to be people who are valued, liked and treated with respect - regardless of their disability.

My husband is Australia's Human Rights Commissioner and he works here and at the UN in New York to ensure that all children around the world have a better opportunity at life. Apart from being instrumental in things like the development of the UN convention on the rights of people with disabilities, he does small things like donates his Braille books and games to schools in India, helps children in country New South Wales (our state) to gain access to computer technology - technology that has made so much difference to his life.

Talking to your kids with disabilities helps, talking to children and parents who don't have experience of disability helps more. It isn't the families who understand the challenges of disability that need "fixing" - it's everyone and everything else.

Support the development of futsal courts at West Lindfield Sports and Recreation Club

2009-03-09T17:30:00.000+11:00

Support the development of futsal courts at West Lindfield Sports and Recreation Club

Online obsession

2009-02-28T00:37:00.002+11:00

I feel like an alcoholic - you know, first you have to admit there's a problem. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't drink but I do live virtually online. After my daughter said to me that I didn't need any more chat rooms, I sat down and worked out how many online networking groups I'm in - and it's a bit scary. From the simple intention to get a better handle on the web, I started signing up for things so I could learn how to use sites such as Facebook and YouTube.

Now I'm a member of twitter, digg, Scribd, Flicker, Facebook, Ancestry, Twittermoms, Linked in, eBay, YouTube, blogger and Orkut. Then there's all the utility sites: I participate in Blackboard for university, my online banking (they've started messaging me now), Picasa for my web albums, Paypal for eBay payments, iGoogle to keep track of it all, a Google Reader to feed my obsession. And then there's stuff like tiny url so that links you post in feeds don't break and bigfoot, which reroutes my old school stuff like email. Then there's Friends Reunited (believe it or not, I use it for research at work) and Google alerts so that I can see when people I know get in the news.

In twitter, I've started following people and they've started following me - I think that means I've become a cyber stalker and I'm being stalked by the Prime Minister of Australia - and I signed up for this?

My virtual life is getting out of hand

2009-02-26T15:43:00.003+11:00

My daughter just said to me: "Mum you don't need to be in any more chat rooms". "Sure I do," I replied, "I like to be linked in". "But it just isn't cool to be in so many," she asserts, "it's not cool". "I'm cool", "no, you're not. When did a child last tell you you were cool?" "I don't need a child to tell me I'm cool, I know I am". She's gone off in disgust and I'm joining yet another online network.

So far I'm in Ancestry.com, Facebook, Twitter, digg, Scribd, Flicker, LinkedIn, some technology group I've even forgotten the name of, eBay, blogger (of course), YouTube, Orkut, internet banking and being old school I also respond to emails and text messages on my phone.

It's harmless, right? I'm not obsessed by technology am I?

Lunch in spring

2008-11-22T17:31:00.002+11:00

There's nothing like a lunch in the summer, by the beautiful Sydney Harbour, with family and friends at that 5-generation institution, Doyles. A family that have been serving the freshest fish to Sydney residents since the 1880s is one you have to admire. This spectacular location, on Watson's Bay, with the waves breaking on the little white beach, the smiling waiters delivering the freshest of fresh seafood and the extended family enjoying time and each other's company is one of the most enchanting experiences you can have. Amidst the bustle that is life, which seems to be increasingly run as a military operation, quality "down time" is even more valued.

2008-09-19T07:09:00.000+10:00

Sometimes, when you're sleeping ideas come to you. When you wake up, if you can remember them, they never seem to have the impact or clarity that they had during the night. There should be some way to harness the creativity we all feel in our sleep and bring that to our days. Maybe then we wouldn't all go around being so awkward in life and things would run smoothly.

Whitsunday sunset

2008-09-17T16:45:00.000+10:00

Every day there is a sound and light extravaganza bigger than the opening ceremony of the Olympics. It's free and all you have to do to see and hear it is get out of bed at sunrise or go outside at sunset and enjoy the show.

Let's face it

2008-09-17T15:50:00.000+10:00

Why can't I work out what I'm doing before I do it? Do you find that? You're busy going along, doing stuff, and suddenly you realise that you've made a life-changing decision and you didn't let yourself in on it until it was made - and now you're living with the consequences.

It's something I've done my whole life and I was hoping I'd grow out of it but here I am, 52, and I still do it. Does anyone have the answer? Do you know how to give yourself a hint that you are changing you're entire life, burying dreams you've had for decades before you've actually done it? I'd like to weigh up the options, consider the pros and cons, make a conscious decision. But no, I just go right in, do something (or worse still, not do something) and wham, I'm in the middle of somewhere entirely different to where I've been working towards for 12 years. 12 years of planning and I've changed the ground rules without even telling myself. Fantastic.